LDS Church Passive-Aggressively Demands Inclusion in Christian Club It Keeps Ghosting

LDS Church Passive-Aggressively Demands Inclusion in Christian Club It Keeps Ghosting

SALT LAKE CITY—In a masterclass of passive-aggressive theology that would make any Utah Relief Society president proud, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is quietly seething over not being lumped in with other Christians on a new Pentagon religious list—mere weeks after graciously declining to join them at the big national "Rededicate 250" prayer rally on the National Mall.

You know the vibe: "Oh, we're so glad you all got together to rededicate the nation to God! We were just... washing our hair that day. With living water. But how 'dare' you not check the 'Christian' box next to our name in the military paperwork?

The May 17 event brought together evangelicals, Baptists, Catholics, Protestants, and others for a very public love-fest of prayer, praise, and patriotic recommitment ahead of America's 250th. Invitations were extended. The response from Salt Lake? A polite, smiling "We'll be with you in spirit... from a very comfortable distance." No official delegation. No video testimony. Just the sacred silence of "We're not like you regular Christians."

Fast-forward to the Pentagon's efficiency drive, paring down hundreds of faith codes. They gave the LDS Church its very own special "Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (CJ)" slot—separate from the generic Christian categories. Cue the perfectly calibrated outrage from Utah senators: "Can anyone explain why we're not included with the Christians?" (Translation: "We'd like the benefits and recognition, thank you very much, but please keep respecting our distinct restored gospel boundaries.")

It's peak passive-aggression, honed to perfection through generations of Sunday School lessons:  

- "We're Christians too... just better."  

- "Don't you dare call us non-Christian."  

- "But also, please don't invite us to pray "with" you in public like that."  

- "We'll see you in heaven... probably after you've accepted the restored truth via proxy ordinance."

Critics can't help but admire the artistry. One evangelical observer noted, "It's like your cousin who RSVPs 'maybe' to every family reunion, shows up in the group chat to complain about the seating chart, then passive-aggressively posts about how his branch of the family has the "real" recipe for salvation."

The Church excels at this sacred art form—smiling through disagreements, wielding "bless your heart" like a temple recommend, and maintaining plausible deniability while demanding full inclusion on their exact terms. Traditional Christians have long pointed to the extra scriptures, prophets, and doctrines as the reason for the separation. The LDS response? A gentle, furrowed-brow "That's cute. Now please affirm us anyway."

At press time, church headquarters was reportedly preparing a warmly worded press release that simultaneously affirms their Christianity and reminds everyone why they're the only true version. Pentagon officials are considering a compromise category: "Christian (But We'll Understand If You Need Space)."

Meanwhile, local members are practicing their best concerned smiles and preparing extra funeral potatoes for the next interfaith event they'll support "in spirit only." Bless their hearts.

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