The Beehive in Babylon

  LDS Church Unveils New “Even More Jesus Per Hour” Sunday Schedule to Finally Get Members to Follow Christ for Real This Time SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold new initiative inspired by President Dallin H. Oaks’ stirring reminder that “Jesus Christ is the way,” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced a streamlined Sunday meeting schedule that promises to transform casual attendees into full-time, card-carrying disciples before the next General Conference. Under the updated format, members will now enjoy a brisk one-hour sacrament meeting followed by two tightly scheduled 25-minute classes. Church leaders described the revolutionary new structure as “basically what we’ve always done, but with slightly better time management and significantly more guilt if you skip.” According to Elder David P. Homer, the changes represent the latest chapter in the Church’s ongoing quest to help members become “more devout, lifelong disciples—or else.” “The old schedule was clearly too...

  LDS Apostles Issue Boldest Rebuke Yet: A Strongly Worded Statement Expressing “Profound Concern” SALT LAKE CITY—In a move described by insiders as “the ecclesiastical equivalent of a very firm Post-it Note,” top leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints delivered their harshest condemnation of the Trump administration to date by… not showing up to a giant patriotic prayer rally and issuing a statement that sounded like a Relief Society president reminding everyone to “please be nice.” The White House-backed jubilee event, meant to rededicate America to God, conservative values, and possibly more bald eagles, went forward without a single Mormon general authority on stage. This despite U.S. Latter-day Saints being among the most reliably Republican voting blocs in the nation and having spent decades teaching that the Constitution is basically scripture with extra verses about gathering Israel. “Look, we completely agree that America is a promised land and has a...