LDS Church Unveils New “Even More Jesus Per Hour” Sunday Schedule to Finally Get Members to Follow Christ for Real This Time

 LDS Church Unveils New “Even More Jesus Per Hour” Sunday Schedule to Finally Get Members to Follow Christ for Real This Time

SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold new initiative inspired by President Dallin H. Oaks’ stirring reminder that “Jesus Christ is the way,” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced a streamlined Sunday meeting schedule that promises to transform casual attendees into full-time, card-carrying disciples before the next General Conference.

Under the updated format, members will now enjoy a brisk one-hour sacrament meeting followed by two tightly scheduled 25-minute classes. Church leaders described the revolutionary new structure as “basically what we’ve always done, but with slightly better time management and significantly more guilt if you skip.”

According to Elder David P. Homer, the changes represent the latest chapter in the Church’s ongoing quest to help members become “more devout, lifelong disciples—or else.”

“The old schedule was clearly too relaxed,” Elder Homer explained while clutching a well-worn copy of Come, Follow Me. “People were leaving after three hours thinking they’d done their part. Now we’re cutting out the dead weight so families can get home in time to argue about doctrine over pot roast while still feeling spiritually inadequate.”

A primary feature of the new schedule is that every single week, Sunday School will cover the “Come, Follow Me” curriculum. Every. Single. Week. Sources say this bold strategy of teaching the same material at home and at church is expected to achieve what previous decades of sporadic attendance could not: actual gospel learning.

In addition, Young Women, Relief Society, and priesthood quorums will now meet weekly, giving members the blessed opportunity to experience the same committee meetings they already endure at work, but this time with more talk about covenants and slightly worse snacks.

“Gathering weekly in these organizations will foster a deeper sense of belonging,” Elder Homer said, “specifically the kind of belonging where everyone knows if you missed the lesson on ‘Obedience Brings Blessings’ for the fourth time this year.”

At press time, Elder Homer reported that helping develop the new schedule had profoundly deepened his own appreciation for Jesus Christ as “the way, the truth, and the life.” He added that in a world full of chaos and confusion, Christ’s message remains beautifully simple: “Come, follow me… preferably between 9:00 a.m. and 11:35 a.m. every Sunday, no excuses.”


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