The Beehive in Babylon

  LDS Church Unveils New “Even More Jesus Per Hour” Sunday Schedule to Finally Get Members to Follow Christ for Real This Time SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold new initiative inspired by President Dallin H. Oaks’ stirring reminder that “Jesus Christ is the way,” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced a streamlined Sunday meeting schedule that promises to transform casual attendees into full-time, card-carrying disciples before the next General Conference. Under the updated format, members will now enjoy a brisk one-hour sacrament meeting followed by two tightly scheduled 25-minute classes. Church leaders described the revolutionary new structure as “basically what we’ve always done, but with slightly better time management and significantly more guilt if you skip.” According to Elder David P. Homer, the changes represent the latest chapter in the Church’s ongoing quest to help members become “more devout, lifelong disciples—or else.” “The old schedule was clearly too...

  LDS Apostles Issue Boldest Rebuke Yet: A Strongly Worded Statement Expressing “Profound Concern” SALT LAKE CITY—In a move described by insiders as “the ecclesiastical equivalent of a very firm Post-it Note,” top leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints delivered their harshest condemnation of the Trump administration to date by… not showing up to a giant patriotic prayer rally and issuing a statement that sounded like a Relief Society president reminding everyone to “please be nice.” The White House-backed jubilee event, meant to rededicate America to God, conservative values, and possibly more bald eagles, went forward without a single Mormon general authority on stage. This despite U.S. Latter-day Saints being among the most reliably Republican voting blocs in the nation and having spent decades teaching that the Constitution is basically scripture with extra verses about gathering Israel. “Look, we completely agree that America is a promised land and has a...

Church Announces New Young Women Class Names That Sound Exactly Like a Corporate Rebrand No One Asked For **SALT LAKE CITY** — In a move that has left teenage girls across the Intermountain West wondering if they missed the part where they got a promotion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced shiny new thematic names for its Young Women age groups Thursday, effective 2026. Gone (again) are the simple, age-based labels that apparently weren’t spiritual enough - Beehives, Mia-Maids, Laurels.In their place: 'Builders of Faith' (ages 12–13), 'Messengers of Hope' (ages 14–15), and 'Gatherers of Light' (ages 16+). Church leaders described the rebrand as a bold step toward helping young women “understand their divine identity,” which is apparently best achieved by giving their Sunday classes titles that sound like rejected Etsy shop names or something that sounds like it's from The Handmaid's Tale. “This isn’t just a name change,” said Y...

   Headline:  “LDS Church Sues ‘Mormon Stories’ Podcast For Making Ex-Mormons Think It’s An Official Fireside With Free Donuts And A Christus Statue Selfie” SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold move to protect its sacred brand from confusion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has filed a federal lawsuit against the long-running podcast “Mormon Stories,” accusing it of trademark infringement so severe that listeners might accidentally tune in expecting a faith-affirming discussion on temple recommend questions instead of three-hour deconstruction sessions featuring guests who haven’t worn garments since 2012. The suit, brought by the Church and its intellectual property arm Intellectual Reserve Inc., claims the podcast’s stubborn use of the word “Mormon”—a term the Church has spent years gently asking everyone to please stop saying—combined with allegedly similar visuals like light rays, the Christus statue, and other official-looking designs, could mislead some of the f...

Headline:  "LDS Church Achieves Historic Milestone: Growth So Slow It's Basically A Miracle" SALT LAKE CITY — In a stunning display of divine irony that would make even the most faithful scratch their heads, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues its sacred quest to fill the entire earth with members—just not in the United States, where the whole thing started. Despite dispatching tens of thousands of fresh-faced missionaries every year like spiritual door-to-door salesmen armed with name tags and copies of the Book of Mormon, the 16-million-member church has hit a 100-year low in U.S. growth. Church leaders proudly announced a slight uptick in conversions during General Conference, only for everyone to realize it was immediately canceled out by plummeting birthrates. Turns out, even the strongest emphasis on traditional family values can't compete with young couples deciding that "multiply and replenish the earth" sounds a lot like "...

LDS Church Announces "Two-Hour Miracle" Upgrade: Now With 100% More Meetings in the Same Amount of Time SALT LAKE CITY—In a move hailed by some as "inspired efficiency" and by others as "finally admitting the 2019 home-centered gospel study experiment didn't quite stick," the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled sweeping changes to the Sunday meeting schedule. Effective September 6, 2026, the beloved two-hour block will now cram in weekly Sunday School, Relief Society, Young Women, and priesthood quorum meetings—because nothing says "lifelong discipleship" like sprinting through spiritual nourishment at 25 minutes per class. The announcement, timed perfectly ahead of the April 2, 2026, general conference leadership session, promises to "strengthen gospel learning in homes and congregations throughout the world." Sources close to the matter confirm that "homes" will still be doing...