The Beehive in Babylon

   Headline:  “LDS Church Sues ‘Mormon Stories’ Podcast For Making Ex-Mormons Think It’s An Official Fireside With Free Donuts And A Christus Statue Selfie” SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold move to protect its sacred brand from confusion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has filed a federal lawsuit against the long-running podcast “Mormon Stories,” accusing it of trademark infringement so severe that listeners might accidentally tune in expecting a faith-affirming discussion on temple recommend questions instead of three-hour deconstruction sessions featuring guests who haven’t worn garments since 2012. The suit, brought by the Church and its intellectual property arm Intellectual Reserve Inc., claims the podcast’s stubborn use of the word “Mormon”—a term the Church has spent years gently asking everyone to please stop saying—combined with allegedly similar visuals like light rays, the Christus statue, and other official-looking designs, could mislead some of the f...

Headline:  "LDS Church Achieves Historic Milestone: Growth So Slow It's Basically A Miracle" SALT LAKE CITY — In a stunning display of divine irony that would make even the most faithful scratch their heads, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues its sacred quest to fill the entire earth with members—just not in the United States, where the whole thing started. Despite dispatching tens of thousands of fresh-faced missionaries every year like spiritual door-to-door salesmen armed with name tags and copies of the Book of Mormon, the 16-million-member church has hit a 100-year low in U.S. growth. Church leaders proudly announced a slight uptick in conversions during General Conference, only for everyone to realize it was immediately canceled out by plummeting birthrates. Turns out, even the strongest emphasis on traditional family values can't compete with young couples deciding that "multiply and replenish the earth" sounds a lot like "...

LDS Church Announces "Two-Hour Miracle" Upgrade: Now With 100% More Meetings in the Same Amount of Time SALT LAKE CITY—In a move hailed by some as "inspired efficiency" and by others as "finally admitting the 2019 home-centered gospel study experiment didn't quite stick," the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled sweeping changes to the Sunday meeting schedule. Effective September 6, 2026, the beloved two-hour block will now cram in weekly Sunday School, Relief Society, Young Women, and priesthood quorum meetings—because nothing says "lifelong discipleship" like sprinting through spiritual nourishment at 25 minutes per class. The announcement, timed perfectly ahead of the April 2, 2026, general conference leadership session, promises to "strengthen gospel learning in homes and congregations throughout the world." Sources close to the matter confirm that "homes" will still be doing...

“BREAKING: LDS Church Announces Women Can Now Serve in Sunday School Presidency, Immediately Solves Priesthood Authority Shortage" SALT LAKE CITY — In a bold move toward even greater gender balance, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has declared that women may now be called as ward Sunday School presidents — a change leaders say will finally allow sisters to experience the thrill of wrangling teenagers who think "Come, Follow Me" is just a polite suggestion. "If a man is called, he must hold the Melchizedek Priesthood," the First Presidency letter carefully clarified. "If a woman is called, her counselors must also be women — because nothing says 'restoration continues' like gender-segregated scripture study presidencies." Church sources report that the first female Sunday School president in a Provo ward has already scheduled a lesson titled "How to Teach the Book of Mormon When Half the Class Is Scrolling TikTok," whi...

  BREAKING: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Unveils Sleeveless Temple Garments for Women – Shoulders Finally Receive Their Long-Awaited Celestial Upgrade SALT LAKE CITY --   In a move that’s already crashing church websites and forming lines longer than pioneer handcart treks, the First Presidency has declared victory over armpit sweat: sleeveless temple garments are now officially available across the United States . Sources close to the situation (mostly overheated sisters posting selfies) confirm the sacred undergarments have shed their sleeves in what insiders are calling “the most significant wardrobe revelation since the pioneers ditched handcarts for station wagons.” “The Lord has heard our prayers—and felt our pit stains,” one anonymous temple-attending mom told reporters. “This isn’t just fabric; it’s freedom. My covenants now come with ventilation.” “The Lord moves in mysterious ways,” said one sister waiting in a 200-person line outside the Centerville ...

  SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — In a recent super secret, high level, area 51, clearance only type meeting held in the "upper room," Mormon leadership effected changes in the questions local leaders ask congregants to answer in order to obtain  a temple recommend - (a type of license allowing you to pass by the sentinels entering Mormon temples).  In particular, a question regarding vaccination status has been included. A spokesman for the Mormons said, "The questions have been updated to reflect how a loving God has changed his heart to adapt to the needs of the people rather than the people adapting to the laws of God." Since becoming Profit, President Nelson has implemented scores of changes to help better align the church with cultural currents in an effort to retain shrinking membership rolls.  As part of an additional effort to bolster women's self esteem, many of those changes have been oriented toward temple rites and more specifically toward the part...