Headline: “LDS Church Sues ‘Mormon Stories’ Podcast For Making Ex-Mormons Think It’s An Official Fireside With Free Donuts And A Christus Statue Selfie”

  Headline: “LDS Church Sues ‘Mormon Stories’ Podcast For Making Ex-Mormons Think It’s An Official Fireside With Free Donuts And A Christus Statue Selfie”

SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold move to protect its sacred brand from confusion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has filed a federal lawsuit against the long-running podcast “Mormon Stories,” accusing it of trademark infringement so severe that listeners might accidentally tune in expecting a faith-affirming discussion on temple recommend questions instead of three-hour deconstruction sessions featuring guests who haven’t worn garments since 2012.

The suit, brought by the Church and its intellectual property arm Intellectual Reserve Inc., claims the podcast’s stubborn use of the word “Mormon”—a term the Church has spent years gently asking everyone to please stop saying—combined with allegedly similar visuals like light rays, the Christus statue, and other official-looking designs, could mislead some of the faith’s 17.8 million members into believing the show is an approved extension of General Conference rather than a support group for people processing their shelf collapse over a plate of funeral potatoes.

Sources close to the matter say the Church first tried the loving, Christlike approach of sending polite emails and even engaging in mediation, suggesting things like a simple disclaimer: “This podcast is not affiliated with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and no, we will not be discussing tithing settlement or handing out pioneer trek bandanas.” But after 20 years of the podcast operating under the “Mormon” banner, negotiations apparently broke down when the hosts refused to rebrand to something less confusing, like “Open Stories Foundation Presents: Definitely Not Endorsed By The Brethren, Probably.”

“This isn’t about free speech or criticism,” a Church spokesperson clarified while carefully avoiding the M-word. “This is about protecting our global brand so that when people see light rays emanating from text, they know it’s coming from an official Ensign article, not a episode titled ‘My Bishop’s Wife Left Him For A Barista And Now I’m Questioning Everything.’”

Podcast host John Dehlin, who was excommunicated years ago and has since built a career interviewing people about their faith journeys, reportedly responded by posting a new episode graphic featuring even more dramatic light rays and a subtly winking Christus. Legal experts predict a lengthy court battle, during which both sides will spend millions arguing over whether a statue of Jesus with outstretched arms counts as proprietary Church IP or just “that cool sculpture we all saw at the visitors’ center.”

At press time, the Church was reportedly considering additional lawsuits against Hulu’s “Under the Banner of Heaven,” every Utah license plate with “Mormon” vanity text, and anyone who still says “Mormon” while ordering at Cafe Rio. Meanwhile, ex-Mormon listeners expressed relief that the podcast finally has official confirmation it’s not part of the correlated curriculum. (satirebuttrue)


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