HEADLINE -- "LDS Church Achieves Historic Milestone: Growth So Slow It's Basically A Miracle"
Headline: "LDS Church Achieves Historic Milestone: Growth So Slow It's Basically A Miracle" SALT LAKE CITY — In a stunning display of divine irony that would make even the most faithful scratch their heads, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues its sacred quest to fill the entire earth with members—just not in the United States, where the whole thing started. Despite dispatching tens of thousands of fresh-faced missionaries every year like spiritual door-to-door salesmen armed with name tags and copies of the Book of Mormon, the 16-million-member church has hit a 100-year low in U.S. growth. Church leaders proudly announced a slight uptick in conversions during General Conference, only for everyone to realize it was immediately canceled out by plummeting birthrates. Turns out, even the strongest emphasis on traditional family values can't compete with young couples deciding that "multiply and replenish the earth" sounds a lot like "...