The Beehive in Babylon

Church Announces New Young Women Class Names That Sound Exactly Like a Corporate Rebrand No One Asked For **SALT LAKE CITY** — In a move that has left teenage girls across the Intermountain West wondering if they missed the part where they got a promotion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced shiny new thematic names for its Young Women age groups Thursday, effective 2026. Gone (again) are the simple, age-based labels that apparently weren’t spiritual enough - Beehives, Mia-Maids, Laurels.In their place: 'Builders of Faith' (ages 12–13), 'Messengers of Hope' (ages 14–15), and 'Gatherers of Light' (ages 16+). Church leaders described the rebrand as a bold step toward helping young women “understand their divine identity,” which is apparently best achieved by giving their Sunday classes titles that sound like rejected Etsy shop names or something that sounds like it's from The Handmaid's Tale. “This isn’t just a name change,” said Y...

   Headline:  “LDS Church Sues ‘Mormon Stories’ Podcast For Making Ex-Mormons Think It’s An Official Fireside With Free Donuts And A Christus Statue Selfie” SALT LAKE CITY—In a bold move to protect its sacred brand from confusion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has filed a federal lawsuit against the long-running podcast “Mormon Stories,” accusing it of trademark infringement so severe that listeners might accidentally tune in expecting a faith-affirming discussion on temple recommend questions instead of three-hour deconstruction sessions featuring guests who haven’t worn garments since 2012. The suit, brought by the Church and its intellectual property arm Intellectual Reserve Inc., claims the podcast’s stubborn use of the word “Mormon”—a term the Church has spent years gently asking everyone to please stop saying—combined with allegedly similar visuals like light rays, the Christus statue, and other official-looking designs, could mislead some of the f...

Headline:  "LDS Church Achieves Historic Milestone: Growth So Slow It's Basically A Miracle" SALT LAKE CITY — In a stunning display of divine irony that would make even the most faithful scratch their heads, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints continues its sacred quest to fill the entire earth with members—just not in the United States, where the whole thing started. Despite dispatching tens of thousands of fresh-faced missionaries every year like spiritual door-to-door salesmen armed with name tags and copies of the Book of Mormon, the 16-million-member church has hit a 100-year low in U.S. growth. Church leaders proudly announced a slight uptick in conversions during General Conference, only for everyone to realize it was immediately canceled out by plummeting birthrates. Turns out, even the strongest emphasis on traditional family values can't compete with young couples deciding that "multiply and replenish the earth" sounds a lot like "...