HEADLINE -- 'Church Announces New Young Women Class Names That Sound Exactly Like a Corporate Rebrand No One Asked For' (satire-but-true)

Church Announces New Young Women Class Names That Sound Exactly Like a Corporate Rebrand No One Asked For **SALT LAKE CITY** — In a move that has left teenage girls across the Intermountain West wondering if they missed the part where they got a promotion, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced shiny new thematic names for its Young Women age groups Thursday, effective 2026. Gone (again) are the simple, age-based labels that apparently weren’t spiritual enough - Beehives, Mia-Maids, Laurels.In their place: 'Builders of Faith' (ages 12–13), 'Messengers of Hope' (ages 14–15), and 'Gatherers of Light' (ages 16+). Church leaders described the rebrand as a bold step toward helping young women “understand their divine identity,” which is apparently best achieved by giving their Sunday classes titles that sound like rejected Etsy shop names or something that sounds like it's from The Handmaid's Tale. “This isn’t just a name change,” said Young Women General President Emily Belle Freeman in a statement that somehow managed to be both sincere and suspiciously like a PowerPoint presentation. “This is about covenant identity. This is about sisterhood. This is about preparing them for the Relief Society… which, by the way, still just gets to be called Relief Society.” Sources close to the Young Women presidency confirmed that the new names are based on scripture: Ephesians for the Builders, Mosiah for the Messengers, and Doctrine and Covenants for the Gatherers. When asked why the 12-year-olds didn’t get something fun like “Demolishers of Doubt” or “Chaos Agents of Christ,” a spokesperson replied, “We felt ‘Builders of Faith’ better captured the foundational, non-threatening energy we’re going for.” The changes come seven years after the church ditched the beloved (and occasionally mocked) Beehive, Mia Maid, and Laurel names in 2019. At the time, leaders said they wanted to move away from cutesy labels toward something more focused on covenants. Now, in 2026, they’ve decided the covenant focus needed… more labels. Just different ones. With more syllables. Implementation begins immediately, with full bureaucratic integration into Leader and Clerk Resources on June 1, 2026. Young women will be grouped by the age they turn in 2026, because nothing says “divine identity” like being sorted by your birthday in a spreadsheet. One 14-year-old from Cedar City, Utah, who asked to remain anonymous because her mom is the ward Young Women president, summed up the general reaction: “So we’re not Mia Maids anymore, but now I’m a Messenger of Hope? Cool. Does this come with a raise or at least cooler T-shirts?” The organizational structure remains the same: the Young Women president will oversee the Gatherers of Light (the big kids), her first counselor the Messengers of Hope (the middle kids), and the second counselor the Builders of Faith (the babies). Insiders say the counselors are already practicing saying “Gatherers of Light” without sounding like they’re narrating a fantasy novel. At press time, local bishops were reportedly refreshing their Google Docs for new class presidency templates while teenage girls everywhere quietly updated their Instagram bios to “Builder of Faith 🛠️✨” and wondered if this counts as the “ongoing restoration.” In related news, the Young Men program is still just called “Young Men.” No word yet on whether they’ll be rebranded as “Holders of Priesthood” or “Dudes Doing Their Best.” (satire-but-true)