The Beehive in Babylon

“BREAKING: LDS Church Announces Women Can Now Serve in Sunday School Presidency, Immediately Solves Priesthood Authority Shortage" SALT LAKE CITY — In a bold move toward even greater gender balance, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has declared that women may now be called as ward Sunday School presidents — a change leaders say will finally allow sisters to experience the thrill of wrangling teenagers who think "Come, Follow Me" is just a polite suggestion. "If a man is called, he must hold the Melchizedek Priesthood," the First Presidency letter carefully clarified. "If a woman is called, her counselors must also be women — because nothing says 'restoration continues' like gender-segregated scripture study presidencies." Church sources report that the first female Sunday School president in a Provo ward has already scheduled a lesson titled "How to Teach the Book of Mormon When Half the Class Is Scrolling TikTok," whi...

  BREAKING: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Unveils Sleeveless Temple Garments for Women – Shoulders Finally Receive Their Long-Awaited Celestial Upgrade SALT LAKE CITY --   In a move that’s already crashing church websites and forming lines longer than pioneer handcart treks, the First Presidency has declared victory over armpit sweat: sleeveless temple garments are now officially available across the United States . Sources close to the situation (mostly overheated sisters posting selfies) confirm the sacred undergarments have shed their sleeves in what insiders are calling “the most significant wardrobe revelation since the pioneers ditched handcarts for station wagons.” “The Lord has heard our prayers—and felt our pit stains,” one anonymous temple-attending mom told reporters. “This isn’t just fabric; it’s freedom. My covenants now come with ventilation.” “The Lord moves in mysterious ways,” said one sister waiting in a 200-person line outside the Centerville ...

  SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH — In a recent super secret, high level, area 51, clearance only type meeting held in the "upper room," Mormon leadership effected changes in the questions local leaders ask congregants to answer in order to obtain  a temple recommend - (a type of license allowing you to pass by the sentinels entering Mormon temples).  In particular, a question regarding vaccination status has been included. A spokesman for the Mormons said, "The questions have been updated to reflect how a loving God has changed his heart to adapt to the needs of the people rather than the people adapting to the laws of God." Since becoming Profit, President Nelson has implemented scores of changes to help better align the church with cultural currents in an effort to retain shrinking membership rolls.  As part of an additional effort to bolster women's self esteem, many of those changes have been oriented toward temple rites and more specifically toward the part...