The Beehive in Babylon

LDS Church Announces "Two-Hour Miracle" Upgrade: Now With 100% More Meetings in the Same Amount of Time SALT LAKE CITY—In a move hailed by some as "inspired efficiency" and by others as "finally admitting the 2019 home-centered gospel study experiment didn't quite stick," the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has unveiled sweeping changes to the Sunday meeting schedule. Effective September 6, 2026, the beloved two-hour block will now cram in weekly Sunday School, Relief Society, Young Women, and priesthood quorum meetings—because nothing says "lifelong discipleship" like sprinting through spiritual nourishment at 25 minutes per class. The announcement, timed perfectly ahead of the April 2, 2026, general conference leadership session, promises to "strengthen gospel learning in homes and congregations throughout the world." Sources close to the matter confirm that "homes" will still be doing...

“BREAKING: LDS Church Announces Women Can Now Serve in Sunday School Presidency, Immediately Solves Priesthood Authority Shortage" SALT LAKE CITY — In a bold move toward even greater gender balance, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has declared that women may now be called as ward Sunday School presidents — a change leaders say will finally allow sisters to experience the thrill of wrangling teenagers who think "Come, Follow Me" is just a polite suggestion. "If a man is called, he must hold the Melchizedek Priesthood," the First Presidency letter carefully clarified. "If a woman is called, her counselors must also be women — because nothing says 'restoration continues' like gender-segregated scripture study presidencies." Church sources report that the first female Sunday School president in a Provo ward has already scheduled a lesson titled "How to Teach the Book of Mormon When Half the Class Is Scrolling TikTok," whi...

  BREAKING: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Unveils Sleeveless Temple Garments for Women – Shoulders Finally Receive Their Long-Awaited Celestial Upgrade SALT LAKE CITY --   In a move that’s already crashing church websites and forming lines longer than pioneer handcart treks, the First Presidency has declared victory over armpit sweat: sleeveless temple garments are now officially available across the United States . Sources close to the situation (mostly overheated sisters posting selfies) confirm the sacred undergarments have shed their sleeves in what insiders are calling “the most significant wardrobe revelation since the pioneers ditched handcarts for station wagons.” “The Lord has heard our prayers—and felt our pit stains,” one anonymous temple-attending mom told reporters. “This isn’t just fabric; it’s freedom. My covenants now come with ventilation.” “The Lord moves in mysterious ways,” said one sister waiting in a 200-person line outside the Centerville ...